


CertifiableStuck

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: A whole lot of ships, Angst, Author is having way to much fun tagging shit, Beta OT4, Eridan is a depressed genius who just wants to shoot everybody, Everyone/Everyone - Freeform, F/F, F/M, Freeform, Humanstuck, John is a nurse, John is sexy but no one knows why, John would like to remind everyone that nurses can be male, M/M, Mental Hospital AU, Multi, Past Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Self Harm, Suicide Attempt, but Eridan is too, but so is Jade, how the fuck do you tag, idek, in which everyone has a lot of confusing sexy nurse fantasies, like a whole lot of angst, like seriously a lot, sollux is a dick
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-28
Updated: 2014-11-11
Packaged: 2018-02-10 18:43:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2035953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>"Welcome to Sburb Institution, where the staff are even crazier then the patients and everyone's fucking everyone else."<i></i></i>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>  <i>Your name is Eridan Ampora and you are almost positive the universe hates you.</i></p><p> </p><p>  <i>Your name is John Egbert and nurses can be male too!</i></p><p> </p><p>  <i>Your name is Rose Lalonde and you are having an affair with three of your best friends, at the same time.</i></p><p> </p><p>  <i>Your name is Sollux Captor and holy shit is your new roommate a dick.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Eridan: Regret Life

**Author's Note:**

> I just want to clarify that I have no idea where I am going with this and I suck at writing.  
> This is probably going to be really bad with a lot of angst and way too much sarcasm.

A young teenaged boy by the name of Eridan Ampora sat in the waiting room of Sburb Institution for Troubled Teens. He was not there of his own accord, if he had a choice he would be in his room feeding his fish at the moment, but alas he was not there of his own accord. He was there because his fourth period history teacher found his private notebook.

  
"Eridan! I still can't believe you were planning to **krill** your classmates!" his older step-sister Feferi exclaimed disapprovingly, she was still dripping wet having left her swim meet early to accompany Eridan.

  
"Fef, I told you I w-wasn't actually goin' to do anyfin," Eridan grumbled as he angrily adjusted his glasses. Couldn't ayone see he wasn't stupid enough to go through with something ridiculous like that!? Though he had to admit he still was rather proud of the plan he had come up with if he _was_ going to go on a shooting spree, which he wasn't. "I w-was just lettin' off some steam," he told her, though he knew it wouldn't do much good. He seemed to have convinced everyone he knew of the fact that he was an unstable killing machine.

  
"Son your teacher was in hysterics, it seemed like you really were planning on goin' through with it," a gruff voice spoke up reminding Eridan that his dad was also in the party. Mr. Ampora looked exceedingly out of place amidst the bright colors of the waiting room, for one thing he was huge, the chair he was sitting on seemed about ready to break with the 309 lbs of pure muscle seated on it, for another thing, he was covered in scars. His most noticeable scars were three jagged ones across his left eye. In short Mr. Ampora didn't look the part of a family man.

  
"I told you he w-was ov-ver reacting!" Eridan snapped defensively, it wasn't _that_ detailed, just the essentials like picking out individual targets, a copy of the target's schedules and a specific time for each murder. He really didn't get what everyone was freaking out about.

  
"Eridan! You made a detailed plan to krill several students down to the exact time! I don't think he was over-reacting," Feferi stated matter of factly glaring at Eridan with disapproving deep blue eyes.

  
Eridan thanked the Heavens that he was finally over his sexy step sister phase that had plagued him for nearly two years. "Okay, okay, maybe I w-went a bit over board, but can you at least believe me w-when I say that I w-wasn't goin' to murder anyone," Eridan just about pleaded. He didn't want to be admitted into the looney bin, he wasn't crazy!

  
"Eridan," Feferi spoke before his dad could, though considering how uncomfortable Mr. Ampora looked he was probably glad to be ignored, "you know that's not the only reason we brought you here, you need kelp Eridan," she spoke softly though Eridan couldn't help but feel like she was accusing him of something.

  
Eridan noticed that she was staring at something and followed her gaze, she was staring at his arms which were thankfully covered by the purple material of his shirt.

He realized with a jolt that his step-sister knew more then she was letting on,"I don't need help Fef, I'm perfectly fine," he said though he was lying through his teeth.

  
"Oh my Cod! Eridan you are so frustrating!" Feferi exclaimed loudly, her gaze now burning holes through the sleeves of his shirt. Feferi finally decided that her words weren't doing jack shit so she lunged at Eridan roughly pulling the sleeves of his designer shirt up with both hands.

  
 _What the hell was Fef doing? Wait.... Shit._ Eridan's arms were now exposed for the whole waiting room to see, which was just Feferi and his dad, scars criss-crossed his pale skin some fresh and some old.

  
_Welp, he was busted_


	2. John: Be The Sexy Nurse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John is a nurse, but certainly not the sexy kind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah so updates will be irregular as Hell considering half the time my computer won't even let me online.

A young man by the name of John Egbert opened the door to the waiting room of Sburb Institution to find a gigantic shit storm going on.

  
"I never knew any son of mine, could be such a fuckin' pussy!" yelled a very large muscled man with a horrifically scarred face and piercing blue, near purple eyes.

  
"Dad! Eridan is not a pussy he's very disturbed!" a teenaged girl with more hair then John previously thought was possible interjected angrily.

  
"Excuse you Fef! I'm not disturbed either!" interjected yet another person, this time a very pale teenaged boy with the other man's stunning blue eyes.

  
_"Ahem."_

  
All of the sudden all three stopped arguing instead choosing to focus on the new person in the room. "Um, Eridan Ampora?" John asked feeling exceedingly awkward for interrupting the cat fight of the century.

  
"W-who the hell is this asshole?" the youngest, Eridan, asked, his voice seeping with annoyance. He narrowed his eyes beneath his thick glasses taking in the male nurse before him.

"Um, oh yeah! I'm John, your nurse!" John said cheerfully regaining his composure.

  
"Aren't nurses supposed to be female?" Eridan asked seeming rather bored, "I mean you aren't just a really flat-chested girl are you?" he asked earning a sharp, _'Eridan!_ ' from the girl beside him.

  
"I'll have you know that there are a lot of male nurses!" John said indigently, "and I am most certainly male!" he added as an afterthought. _Did he look female?_   "Anyways! That's not what I came here to do so," he looked to the older Ampora. "I'm assuming you're his dad? What brings him here?"

  
"Feferi?" he said looking towards his step-daughter, "You have the book?" he asked.

  
Feferi nodded before turning to dig in her purse. After a minute she looked up, purple notebook now in hand. She opened the book flipping a few pages before she found what she was looking for. "Here!" she exclaimed handing the book to John.

  
John took the book from her rather confused.

Oh.. He looked at the careful sketches and neat labels with morbid fascination. _Had he really been planning to execute a school shooting?_  John was slightly impressed, though more horrified, this plan. It was planned out so thourly it might actually work! He turned the page wondering if he had planned anything after the shooting.

What he saw made him visibly frown. In tiny, neat handwriting he had written, _"Commit_ suicide." This was no doubt a very unhappy young man. _Geeze Rose'll have a field day!_

  
"Yeah uh, come with me and I'll get him admitted," John informed suddenly feeling rather intimidated by the teenaged boy in front of him, _Although physically his father was more intimidating._ This young man had been planning to kill a lot of people, including himself. John realized with a jolt that he had been standing there staring at the family for about five minutes.

  
"Ya' just gonna stand there and gawk or are you actually goin' to admit my bat-shit insane son?" Mr. Ampora just about growled at John obviously patience was not a virtue this man possessed.

  
John held back a snicker knowing he would probably get punched in the face. He didn't think that this man would care that he had glasses at all. "Right this way," John said cheerful smile showing off his rather prominent overbite as he turned opening the door that lead to the check-up room. He'd just have to chekcup on Eridan's health, he didn't exactly have a healthy glow about him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yup enjoy it


	3. Eridan: Breakdown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eridan meets Rose, the reaction is almost instant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is angst, like a lot of it.  
> I have no excuse for this.  
> I'm seriously sorry,  
> not really.
> 
> Blame Bullet by Hollywood Undead for this.

Eridan had to endure being fussed over by a nurse who seemed to be directing his questions about his health to anyone **_but_** him. He was getting increasingly irritated he wasn't _retarded_ he could answer simple questions.

  
"Has he been eating regularly?" the annoying _nurse_ asked his father as he poked and prodded Eridan's skinny, pale chest with interest.

  
Mr. Ampora opened his mouth to answer but luckily Feferi interrupted him before he could say something that would most likely get Eridan taken away from him. "We never reely payed attention to how much he ate before, but now that you mention it," his step-sister paused turning to give him a scrutinizing glance, "He eely hasn't been eating as far as I can tell," she informed the male nurse worry coating her every word, _though that still didn't stop her from making fish-puns.._

  
Eridan suddenly felt rather self conscious everyone in the room was staring at him two out of three looked at him with sympathy, however his dad's expression leaned more towards disgust. _It was none of their business how much he ate anyways.._ The buck-toothed wonder continued inspecting him his lips pursed into a rather tight frown, he didn't know why but seeing the nurse frown scared him. He didn't seem like a man who frowned often.

  
"He's extremely mal-nourished and generally unhealthy, not too severe but certainly not healthy," the nurse said glancing meaningfully at his father. "Well, now that the physical is over with Dr. Lalonde would probably like to speak with Eridan," he glanced at Feferi. " _Alone._ "

  
The way he said that last word made Eridan shiver with dread, this _Dr. Lalonde_ did not sound like a pleasant person, apparently Feferi shared his discomfort as she spared him a worried glance, but none the less she left him along with his father. Alone to deal with the menacing Dr.

  
"I'm gonna have to lock the door while I go get her, but just for your own safety," the nurse said the bull-shit lines. Eridan knew he was lying, it wasn't to keep him safe, _it was to keep everyone safe from him._ He wanted to feel offended that they had the audacity to find him dangerous, but sadly he had almost accepted that he _was_ dangerous... Eridan was too busy moping to notice the click of the lock signaling the arrival of the mysterious Dr. Lalonde.

  
She was surprisingly not threatening, pretty even. She had very light short blonde hair that must be dyed, no one could be that naturally blonde, and slightly unsettling dark blue _near purple_ eyes. She was short, extremely so, it was actually kind of funny but all illusions of her being harmless were shattered the moment she opened her black painted lips. "So, Mr. Ampora, it has come to my attention that you were planning on doing something rather dramatic," her voice was like silk, and Eridan was automatically terrified of her.

  
"I w-wasn't actually going to _do it,_ " he grumbled avoiding her shockingly purple eyes. That was a lie and he knew it, maybe he hadn't intended to do it _at first_ but as time went on he found himself adding more and more details to the plan. The day he decided he actually _would_ do it was the day he decided on the last step..,

  
"You weren't?" Dr. Lalonde asked in a voice sweet like silk, Eridan had the overwhelming feeling that she was mocking him. "Can you explain the significance of the last step?" she asked darkly.

  
"Just feelin' down at the moment I w-wrote that I guess," Eridan mumbled quietly, it was blatantly obvious he was lying. He adjusted his glasses to give his hands something to do, he felt that if his hands remained unoccupied he may start wringing his own neck out of pure frustration.

  
"Come Mr. Ampora you know as well as I do how feeble your attempt at lying is," Dr. Lalonde chided, he wished she would call him by his first name. For other's calling someone by their last name was simply a formality but Eridan had a feeling it was yet another way this woman was mocking him.

  
"I guess, but w-why should I tell _you?_ " he countered trying not to betray how nervous she was making him.

  
"Because the sooner you forget your pride and let us see what is wrong with you, the sooner you can leave," she said simply looking at him the way one would look at a particularly tasty looking meal.

  
"Fine, don't hav-ve much of a choice.. I guess it's just that I'm alw-ways angry," Eridan began hesitantly, "and no-one really seems to care enough to ev-ven notice. Hell w-when people do acknow-wledge my existence it's to point out my flaw-ws or just attempt to ignore the annoying, attention seeking, hipster douche, W-whenever I try to hav-ve friends they alw-ways leav-ve because I'm too fuckin' needy," all hesitance was gone now as he let out everything he wanted to say for the past few years. "Ev-ven my ow-wn dad know-ws how-w much of a failure I am, he's fuckin' _ashamed_ of me. The only _good_ thing I ev-ver hear about me is that I'm smart. But bein' smart doesn't get you fuckin' anythin'!" he was really getting going, his pale face was flushed with anger. He was close to yelling now,"Ev-ven my ow-wn step-sister realizes how-w much of a failure I am, she's nice to me because she's nice to ev-veryone, it's obv-vious she doesn't even like me! I'm part of the reason my mom left, cause her own son is such a failure in ev-very w-way she couldn't possibly stay," his eyes were clenched shut hands balled in fists. "I guess I just w-wanted to end it all, along with ev-veryone else, maybe get ackow-wledged for something..," he finished meekly waiting for Dr. Lalonde to respond.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woop woop, angst


	4. Rose Lalonde: Begin The Mental Evaluation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rose Lalonde's methods may be unconventional, but they work.

Rose Lalonde would usually be rather proud of herself having gotten Mr. Ampora to spill in less then ten minutes, though as it was she had other things on her mind.

A certain pair of nurses were driving her insane, well drunk. Alas she was stuck wandering through the endless resources of her mind and still Rose Lalonde, could not for the life figure out wether John and his sister Jade were in fact flirting with her.

  
"So, hav-ve you declared me crazy yet?" Mr. Ampora asked with his oh-so endearing stutter. She smiled at the young man pursing her lips together tightly so it looked more like a scowl then a smile.

  
"Mr. Ampora, did anyone say you were crazy? Or is that perhaps just how you see yourself, could you already be giving me an in depth look into your thoughts and emotions?" she asked calmly, most professionals would disagree with her methods, but. _It worked._

  
"Cut the bullshit, I'm I crazy or not?" Eridan asked, he seemed to be trying to look strong but Rose heard the slight tremor in his voice.

  
"Not crazy Mr. Ampora, crazy is not the word I would use. Perhaps disturbed would be more accurate, but crazy or disturbed, you will have to be admitted," Rose said calmly brushing a stray hair back into place. Eridan opened his mouth as if to protest but closed it, Rose almost felt bad for the teenager seeing as he looked so lost, almost _defeated._

  
"So.., I'm just in the loony bin now-w?" he asked, that stutter certainly wasn't helping his dignity. He adjusted his thick black glasses which surprisingly were actually subscription and not just the usual hipster nerd glasses.

  
"Now Mr. Ampora, this is a healing place, such scathing words only make it worse for yourself," Rose tutted, God she loved her job to Hell and back.

  
"Fine, w-whatev-ver don't have much of a fuckin' choice anyw-ways," he grumbled crossing his arms in a rather childish pout. Rose suddenly had the overwhelming urge to pinch his pouting cheeks, partly because he was being rather adorable, but mostly because she knew he would hate her for it.

  
"That's the spirit," Rose said dryly clapping her hands together for effect. "Now shall I go inform your family?" she asked standing up. She flattened her ruffled white blouse and turned towards the door. She opened it locking it behind her for Eridan's own safety, _or course._

  
She looked out into the waiting room keen eyes spotting the only two people currently present, a teenaged girl, and an unpleasant looking older man.

  
"The Ampora family?" she called staring as the two arose from their seats. The girl couldn't be much older then Eridan himself and the elder male was almost certainly his father.

  
"That's us!" the girl said excitedly, Rose noticed with some apprehension she was soaking wet with goggles strung around her neck. She probably swam.

  
The elder man grumbled irritably, his eyes scrunched together in anger. "So what's the lil' shits diagnosis?" he asked sharply not even bothering with pretending to have manners. Rose ignored him and unlocked the door opening it, she gestured for the two to come inside the small room.

  
Eridan was just where she left him looking even more pale then before. He seemed to stop breathing when he saw the man, which she assumed was his father, enter the room. According to what she had been told he had reason to be wary of his father who had basically disowned him.

  
"So, as all of you know Eridan is here because of some disturbing plans for a school shooting found in his notebook," she started taking a seat in the one black computer desk chair. "He's talked to me and I think we can all agree that he needs to be supervised constantly to keep him from harming himself or others. So as a Doctor with your permission, Mr. Ampora, I think it is in his best interest to have him admitted."

  
"See, it will kelp Eridan!" the teenaged girl said. Rose simply blinked at the fish-pun, she'd heard stranger.

  
"Fine guess I always knew he'd end up in the loony bin," his father grumbled glaring daggers at Eridan, who seemed determined to merge with the small plastic chair he was sitting in.

  
"Now I'll need you to sign some papers," Rose said turning to her desk and digging in the drawer,"You too Eridan, if you don't mind."  
Eridan and his father grumbled at the exact same time suddenly looking creepily similar. Rose handed Mr. Ampora a pen and watched the signing of paper-work diligently like a sharply dressed hawk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are always appreciated


	5. AN

**Hey this isn't an update and I'm sorry but I think I'm putting this story on hiatus.**   
**It's not a dead story but I won't be updating for awhile.**

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah I know it's short as Hell I promise the next one will be longer, if not by much


End file.
